Say Whoda-What?
by nikkime
Summary: We took the first HP book and improved it. Now we're giving it back for your enjoyment!
1. The Flatulence from No One

A/N:  Hey guys, Nikki here.  My friend Stephanie and I are co-writing this fic!  If you were looking for something serious, something mature; look somewhere else.  

DISCLAIMER:  I don't own Harry Potter (or his flatulence) or any other characters, I'm not getting paid to write about Harry Potter (or his flatulence) so you can't sue me!  

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**Say Whoda-what?**

          The Flatulence from No One 

"HARRY!!!" a shrill voice echoed through the otherwise peaceful house on #4 Privet Drive. "Get up! Get up!" 

Harry rubbed his puffy eyes and stretched. "Yes'm" he mumbled, then he stood, smacked his head on the ceiling and fell to the floor clutching his forehead. "Ooh, my scar!"

He screamed, walked to his trunk and grabbed a change of clothes with his hands still massaging his forehead. He went into the bathroom and shouted in fear as a big hairy spider fell out of the underwear that were in his hands. It landed with a "kerplunk" in the toilet, swimming desperately for it's life.  "oh, poor little spider" Harry cried and reached into the impure water to save the eight legged monster.  He finished his business (forgetting to wash his hands) and then went to the door to let the spider out.

After liberating it, he scooped up the mail for Uncle Vernon: a postcard from Aunt Marge, the electric bill, and…A LETTER FOR HARRY?!  He opened the letter and read:  

"Dear Mr. Potter, 

you have been accepted into the Hexy

Lexy, Man I'm sexy modeling company.

Please inform us with you decision to join us.

Signed, Severus Snape

"Junk mail", he mumbled and kept flipping through the mail, and…WHAT? _ANOTHER _LETTER FOR HARRY?! It was big and heavy.  He began to walk to the kitchen but was distracted by the sound of the shower. It shut off and he panicked thinking _Oh no! if Uncle Vernon walks out and sees me with this letter, he'll take it away! _But before he could think of something to do, the spider walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist.       

            Harry walked into the kitchen and began to make breakfast, hiding the letters in his pants. Uncle Vernon came into the room. "Where's the paper" he grunted as he sat at the table to read.

Uncle Vernon sat at the table eating his eggs and checking his stocks. They were down…not a good sign for his mood. Harry stood with his back to his uncle, washing the dishes when suddenly, with a tremendous ripping sound, Harry let out the gas he had been holding in.  With a whoosh of air, both of the letters flew out of his pants and landed in Uncle Vernon's eggs.


	2. It's Raining Mail!

A/N:  Here's chapter 2!  I know these are kind of short, but I got them up fast, so what's it matter?  I'll try to make the next chappies a bit longer, ok?  PLEASE REVIEW!  We're dying to know what you think!  

Disclaimer:  I still don't own the characters, BUT I own something better.  The Hexy Lexy Man I'm Sexy Modeling Company.  Yeah, JK Rowling is jealous, but she'll get over it.

It's Raining Mail!

"Disgusting boy!" Screamed Uncle Vernon in outrage, as he glared down at the letters.  "Hexy Lexy Man I'm Sexy Modeling Company?  What is this rubbish?  This is clearly supposed to be addressed to me!"  He shoved the first letter into his pocket, "now what's this?"  He asked, flipping it over and seeing the Hogwarts crest.  His face turned from violent red to a chalky white. "Ppppp…Pppppp…" He stuttered, "Ppppetunia!"  He waved the letter in front of her face in a psychotic frenzy.  She too paled, and try as Harry might to get the letter from his uncle, he couldn't get it and was sent to his cupboard under the stairs.

            Later on, a quiet and reluctant tap came at the cupboard door.  "Come on, get your stuff, you're moving into Dudley's second bedroom!"

            "Whoda…whata?"

            "Don't ask questions!  Just go!"

            The next day, Harry went to go get the mail:* a bill and a flier but Harry was more interested in the three letters addressed to him.  They were of the same heavy parchment and strange seal** as before.  He reached down to pick them up, but at that moment Dudley slapped his hand onto Harry's bottom and tried to hop over him, but he ended up bouncing right off of his cousin.  Unfortunately, this caused Harry to roll away from the door and letters.  "OOOH my scar!" Harry whined as he rolled into the wall.  Before he could get back up, Uncle Vernon got the mail.

            The next day, Sunday, the family sat in the living room, Uncle Vernon in particularly high spirits.  "It's Sunday!  No DAMN letters today!"***   With that said, thousands of letters flew out of the fireplace, filling the room.

            "_WOOHOO_," screamed Harry in excitement, before breaking out in an ear-splitting song.  "It's raining mail!  Hallelujah, it's raining mail!!"  He reached to grab a letter out of the air, but all of the damn letters around his feet made it too hard to jump and catch one.  After a few seconds, he felt a letter slide into his shirt, but before he could run away, Uncle Vernon ripped his shirt off, pounded on his chest like King Kong, and pulled off Harry's shirt.  He then pushed Harry into the window-less bathroom and locked the door.

            "Foiled again!"  

            Harry decided to grab the opportunity, so he pulled down his pants and sat on the can.  He sat there thinking about what he should do next.  Then it hit him!  No, really, it hit him!  Right in the butt!  Letters were flying in from the toilet!  He jumped up to catch one (and nurse the paper cut on his bottom) and he actually got one!  "I CAUGHT ONE!" He yelled, which wasn't too smart, because a second later, Dudley barged into the bathroom, screamed as loud as he could, and ran away.   _What's his problem?_ Harry wondered, and then he looked down and saw that he had forgotten to pull his pants back up!  Harry, frightened at his own nudity, yelled and pulled his pants back up.  He locked the door and began to open the letter when **_BOOM!_** The door slammed down and hit him right on the head, "ooh, my scar!" he cried frantically. 

            "Shut up, you!" Uncle Vernon yelled as he yanked the letter out of Harry's hand and dragged him out of the bathroom saying, "grab your stuff, WE'RE LEAVING!"

*did you know that the colon is the part of the Large Intestine that extends from the ceceum  to the rectum?  You learn something new everyday!!!

**did you know that a seal goes oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar oar?  But we weren't talking about that kind of seal.  It wouldn't fit in the letter.

***Whoops, gotta up the rating to PG!  =oD


	3. The Keeper of the Cheese

A/N:  Hey-lo, another short chapter here, but… you'll survive.  Sorry!  I'll **try** to make longer ones later on!  Enjoy!

Disclaimer:  I don't own Harry, the Dursleys, or Hagrid.  I **do** own… ok, I don't own anything.  DON'T RUB IT IN!  Ü

The Keeper of the Cheese 

After hours of wild driving, and a few minutes of boating, they arrived at a small shack out on a tiny rock.  As a gargantuan gust of wind came, the hut threatened to tumble into the sea.  It was late by this time and everyone was tired.  The Dursleys, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia in their own room and Dudley on the couch, fell to sleep within minutes.  Dudley's monstrous snores filled the rickety cabin.  Harry was on the floor, shivering and trying to sleep.  He glanced up at Dudley's wristwatch; five seconds until his birthday.  Four, Three, Two, One.  **_CRASH!  _**The hut finally gave way and half of it tumbled into the water.  Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley woke up and were very shocked to see a gigantic man standing outside of what used to be the hut.  There was rotten wood all over the ground and the giant, whose face was covered in black, bushy hair, was standing on top of the door. 

 "Sorry 'bout tha'", he said as he took a step toward Harry.  "My gas sometimes gets the better of me."  He stepped of the door, "Let me get tha' for yeh", he said, picking up the heavy door and placing it in the dirt, even though the doorframe was now sinking into the sea.  He turned back to look at the family and the door gave a _SCREECH, _fell, and squashed Harry.  The giant ran over, picked up the door with one hand and lifted Harry with the other.

"Ooh, my scar!" Harry yelled in agony.  

"Oh did tha' hurt?" the giant asked.

"Just a little" and Harry sat up straight, brushed himself off and said, "Hey, who are you?"

"Oh, sorry, how rude of me, the name's Rubeus Hagrid, keeper of the cheese… I mean, KEYS," he said, looking to see if anyone noticed what he'd said, "at Hogwarts.  'Course you'll be knowin' all 'bout Hogwarts."

"Um, no, sorry", Harry replied.

"Ok, hold on, let me give you this 'fore I get into tha'." He pulled out a large box and handed it to Harry. Harry opened it and saw a cake that said, "Hap   thday Ha  y!"  There was a hole right in the middle.  "Oh, sorry 'bout that" he said "it must've happened when that big gust of wind passed through my pants…we'll just leave it here then."  He set the cake on a table.  "Now, where was I? Oh right, what do you mean you don't know 'bout Hogwarts?"

            "The only warts I know about," Harry said reaching for the waistband of his pants, "are the ones-"

            "STOP!!" yelled everyone in the hut.

            "Um…alrigh', tha's really gross.  Anyway" Hagrid said as he turned to Uncle Vernon.  "Why doesn't he know 'bout Hogwarts?"

            Uncle Vernon squealed, "Hey, erm, I, Um, and then, but…"

            Uncle Vernon kept muttering and Hagrid turned back to Harry, "You're a wizard, Harry!"


End file.
